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Real Content Post

Posted by on August 2, 2005

OgreCon I was this weekend. I judged all day Saturday and Sunday, which was a great time. The only problem was that I was slightly tired both days, partly because I had decided around a week ago to cut back on sugar, which so far has resulted in me drinking absolutely no soda since like, last sunday, I think, and eating no candy with sugar in that same time frame.
Caution: my LJ-cut runneth over. It’s a little long. You have been warned.

I was also tired on Saturday because I woke up Friday at around 1 or 2 pm on the couch at Justin and Krista’s and had been constantly awake all day Friday and wasn’t relieved of duty at OgreCon until around midnight Saturday. I’ve stayed up longer for magic tournaments before, but I always had caffeine, and my time leading up to them was usually less memorable and eventful than this particular Friday. You see, on Friday I saw Christine again.
I should probably have written already about how I saw her on Sunday the 24th for the first time since we broke up in early Feb 04, having come home from Kentucky a day early(missing the PTQ, but whatever) so as to facilitate seeing her sooner. I knew that calling her was not going to get me in touch with her for quite a while, and wasn’t sure how long it would take, so I took steps to see her. It felt sort of like a gamble. Some part of me just wasn’t sure if she felt about me the way that I had felt about her when she dumped me. Even now, contemplating all the paranoid thoughts associated with the worst possible scenarios regarding how she feels about me, I can’t help but reflect on the conflict between how she seems to feel about me when we are together, and how she feels about me when I don’t see her and my guilty imagination fills in the blanks on what the smallest of her gestures or behaviors could signify regarding her just up and deciding to dump me. Again. I’m not really afraid of it so much because it happened before, as because I know how incredibly amazing she is, and that paranoid part of my mind keeps telling me that if she thought she was half as cool as I think she is, she’d run off to find a boyfriend more befitting someone on her level.
I’m not trying to say I have the self-esteem problems it’s probably very easy to read into those last few lines, it’s just that this girl is so perfect it scares the crap out of me. I can’t imagine anyone in the past who has ever felt as strongly about someone as I do about her being able to shake a nagging terror at the prospect of the one who holds their world crushing it all so easily. Is that a little too grandiose? Perhaps so. What am I trying to say? Well, I really like this girl. She is the most amazing girl I’ve ever dated, one of the most amazing girls I’ve ever met. So much about her suits my tastes so precisely that it seems to bear out that teleology which atheists try to hide from the devout because it would irrefutably prove the existence of a higher consciousness. Every moment of doubt I have had leading up to time spent with her has been leveled and effortlessly brushed away by every moment with her. When I first saw her on Sunday, when I rode with Krista to pick her up, she was more lovely than I ever remembered. I had fretted about how I would greet her, but she immediately put her arms out for a hug, which wound up being slightly awkward physically, as she was wearing a tinybackpack/purse. I had wanted everything to be immediately as before. As though a year and a half hadn’t passed since our last time together as a couple. I was fairly certain this was impossible, but the next few hours bore out that it was closer to my ideal than I had thought it could be. We wound up spending the night on Krista’s couch, just cuddling and talking about each other and how we had come to be together at that very moment. I won’t go into why she contacted me after all this time, but it’s pretty cool. We held each other and talked for hours, I can’t convey how amazing that felt. I could not contain my elation. Eventually, we fell asleep in each other’s arms. God it felt good. Not just good. Right. It felt totally correct that she and I should be together, and that we should hold each other at night until consciousness slipped away leaving only the certainty that when we woke, we would still be together. My desire to have that every single night is possibly the greatest want I have ever had. I am extremely covetous of her company. Later, on Monday, I had to go back to the shop. Krista dropped me off, and everyone came in(I’m still not sure why) including Christine. I promptly began running around, full of purpose, as I often do when returning to the shop and it is full of people after a long absence. I was engaged in speaking to the Jaker about something mundane when Christine got my attention and said farewell, and made a very clear “now we kiss goodbye” stance, which i pounced upon. It was brief, but very nice(all kisses with her range from very nice to something so wonderful it would take no less than a thousand words of description to do it justice). After she had gone, the Jaker said something like “So, was she your girlfriend?” to which I replied some kind of affirmative with an irrepressible grin plastered on my face. I didn’t see her again until Friday, when we had planned to go see the new Willy Wonka. She had already seen it with her friend Tina, but they both really liked it and wanted to see it again. I thought of her every single day. No other single thing invaded my thoughts as often as she. I thought about everything I could possibly think about, related to her, then I thought of more. Sometimes I would just revel in my happiness that she and I were together again, and I would start to grin and stay really quiet. I talked about her to almost no one. This is not because I didn’t want to tell them, it’s actually the opposite. Because I had a dying urge to shout Christine’s praises from the rooftops to every open ear, I was so concerned that any talk of her with my friends might degrade into downright gushing, and I thought that might annoy some people. Rather than risk tainting my feelings for Christine with any negative associations or guilt, I kept them to myself. I think I enjoyed it all a bit more just because it belonged to me alone.
I must go for now. The sun is rising. When I return I will tell you all about seeing her Thursday, and seeing her Friday. It has all been so amazing, I’m running out of superlatives with which to describe it. I’ll try to come up with some more for next time. For now, I sleep.

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