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I guess this means I’m single.

Posted by on October 22, 2005

Christine just broke up with me again.
I wish that “again” had less impact for me, but when the relationship lasts only three or four months, and the get-back-together-again happens over a year after the breakup, the sting of the previous one wears off a bit.
She broke up with me because we weren’t seeing each other enough. Again.
How could I have possibly expected this time to be any different? I’m an IDIOT.
I suppose I should state for the record that the breakup happened at around 4am, and I kept talking to her for a further hour. I have been up since 1 pm Friday, and plan on engaging in one of the only sorts of abuse left open to me as a somewhat straight-edger. I am going to see how long I can deprive myself of sleep. I just read somewhere that the less you sleep, the longer you live, so this may actually extend my lifespan.
Suffice it to say: I am not taking this so well.
She says she wants to stay friends. She said that last time. I said last time that it probably wouldn’t happen. It didn’t. I said this time that it DEFINITELY won’t happen. She resisted. She insists that we can stay friends. I plan on visiting her tonight if possible.

Part of me thinks that she wants IT ALL. She doesn’t want us to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but I don’t know how to hang out with her in any other capacity. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT WITH HER. I suppose I could give it a try, but the more I think about it, the more it seems she just doesn’t want to work at our relationship in the very slightest. She only visited me at the shop once, and then only for a couple hours. It feels like she just wants to have me there, as like a stand-by or something. What emoticon indicates a stronger frown than ” :( “? She can’t possibly feel the same way about me as I do about her. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have broken up with me the first time, or the second time, and she wouldn’t be able to see me without wanting to be near me and hold me. That’s all I can think about. That, and how sickly-sad I feel every time I picture her or think about anything associated with her. I’m a mess. I really hope I can get through judging at states without making anyone question my glum appearance.

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